You never smiled like that for me.

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You never smiled like that for me.

Post by Who we are. on Fri 21 May 2010, 10:04 pm

I see you in that photo, surrounded by friends, smiling and I realize that I don't know any of the other people.
You never smiled like that for me.
You said you loved me.
You moved on so fast.
I didn't even have feelings for you but I believed that you did for me. It was a nice feeling.
The only other person that's said they loved me like that was a crazy fucked jhead who I hate.
I know what he was TRYING to do, to make me feel less alone.
But making accusations like that and dragging the school into our personal relationship, dragging their personal relationships into ours.
I want to vomit every time I think about it.
I want to vomit every time I see your face, every time i close my fucking eyes.
I know if I had just kept my mouth shut none of it would have happened. No one would have even noticed.
I would have died and that would have been that.
But no, I had to say something cause you wouldnt fucking let up, and so I got kicked out of that fucking hell hole.
That place is the worst place I can imagine, but I wish i could go back and live every second again.
I would go through all that again just to see him.
~here we go again.
Around 90% of my posts/rants are all about Richard and I'm sure youre all sick of hearing about it.
So am I.
If none of that stuff had happened I would have stayed in that school. Graduated. Said goodbye. Survived.
Instead it ended like it did.
I know that he was just like the rest of them. It was just a job.
No one wants to deal with the girl becoming more and more unstable by the second. When you can just throw her out, dump her on another school and let her drop out of there instead. Ruining any chance of a real job.
I have zero skills. I was doing grade twelve calculus in grade ten and I can't even hold a job.
I work at a fucking bowling alley, in a shitty cafe and they won't give me any shifts cause I'm so "incompetent".
Fourth job and counting.
I know I'm smart. I could accomplish so much. I just can't.
I haven't left the house in over a month, haven't been to work in longer.
My parents moved out to across the street and my brother moved into the other end of the house or is out so I don't even see him.
I think in a whole week, ill maybe talk to one person online for like an hour, or maybe send a few tweets out and thats all the social I get.
I'm eighteen now, I should have a full time job, maybe ten friends,be going too a bar/club on weekends, gotten wasted with someone other that myself and a ghost of him.
I hate myself so fucking much
and ihate myself even more when im like this.
All this from seeing someone I once knew in a photo, seeing how well they moved on while im here spending everyday alone holding onto a fucking memory of someone who didnt give a shit about me.
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Who we are.
Leading by Example

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